You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
