I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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