i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
