I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
