Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
