Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
you made out with another girl for some wings
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
