Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
