I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It was confusing and full of hummus
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
