toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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