Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
