What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize