On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
