Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
