just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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