I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
