In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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