I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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