proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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