East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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