I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let's get the cat blown out
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
