so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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