How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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