If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
