he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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