I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
