life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
