We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
