youre lurking in front of me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
