You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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