How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
