I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
