I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just want nice things and good sex
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
