I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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