i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
this is an emotional support booty call
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
