I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im six kinds of drunk right now
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
