I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
