Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
