Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
