I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
