God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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