Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
