i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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