The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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