I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
