New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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