what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
