I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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