Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
