That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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