Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
