I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
