Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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