Don't make out with my wife yet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
