You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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